I'm here

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 05:55:10 GMT

He provides the words
I provide the skin,
I need sleep.
I need to not be cold for a while
I need to express myself somehow.

wordsword. The spear of the Tiaha is the tongue.

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 07:48:25 GMT

it feels like it's been a long time.
it was at least a long day at work.
time passes over me like a heavy current no matter what the direction is
spent a long time on a sleeve today for a new guy who said he needed to Honor the Rainbow Serpent. Needless to say, Honoring that took alot out of me too.
business has been ok, by ok I mean enough money to feed, clothe, and shelter my sorry Maori ass. by no means slow, always rewarding, and just enough and satisfying for it. I have boxes of well thought out plans in the back room. if you want some, they come in small medium and large. I just, I've got it all here but what can I say that would convey the obstacle? I want to spend more time on taking care of me right now.

I finished the job for the day, told the pakeha to come back in dos dias for more work. went to the back room, looked at the boxes and realized I couldn't remember what my mother looked like anymore. I just don't know. I can't even remember her scent. I look at the boxes and I imagine one. Pretending like I remember. Yea, maybe that's close enough.

I guess I just want some time to deal. I haven't seen Aputa in a while. I don't really want to honestly. I can't do it right now. I'm at the end of my rope for a while for all my endless love. Kai is in the compound, he's getting bigger and Violet's teaching him to hold a staff. We're all pretty convinced these days that he's a mute. That's ok. Even without us there, Aputa still probably does enough talking for the two of us.

Lately I've been sleeping in the water. I was as careful as i could be about it, but it was ineveitable, somebody finally saw me slip into the water one night. word is out that an "in betweener" walks among them. ooh da lally. I think they all know well enough to mind their own business. If only because I've seen around here that ratting gets ratter's a fate worse than those they ratted on, i.e. I drain their jugular. Besides, no fucking brightwater wants to do business with a lander anyway. Rokea pride. Rokea politics.

Still I can't remember my mother. I wonder, if maybe finally she's returned to the greater. Back into the earth,sky, water. Maybe that's why I can't even recall her memory. Or maybe it's just wishful dreaming. If dreaming was coming in the form of abscence. which it is. Why can't I remember? why do i want to so badly? I can't even confidently say that she'd still love us if she were alive, If she loved us at all after a while. painful burdens, more painful reminders. maybe hurt negated the love to give way to tolerance. I couldn't tell you, I wouldn't know. maybe then i shouldn't feel so bad about not remembering. Perhaps that would be better for honoring her memory.

http://www.dhushara.com/book/tane/redemp/hine1.jpg

so tired.

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 23:21:40 GMT

First thing I did when I got home last night was start designing a shoulder piece for myself. I wasn't feelin it. but I wanted the rush and relaxation of the needle. Forging flow. But sister came up from behind and hit me with an unscrewed broom handle.

"Tiaha"
"Not now Aput-" Fwack! right on the shoulder.
"Tiaha Brother. Now."
"I don't fucking want to."
"Don't go down to find Mother, Brother. Stay near the surface."
"The fuck it matters! Nothing changes! Karmic trail of disafuckingppointment. We could make the most beautiful art, carve the most beautiful stones, jewelry, clothes, and it wouldn't make a difference, we wouldn't 't fucking get there Aputa! Born to a debt that can't be paid and beast that can't be fed!"
*CRACK* Aputa has taken the handle and broken it over her knee. Tossing half to Tib.
"I'll beat you if you don't fight back Brother."
"I fucking hate Rourin for teaching you that."
Thwack. this time in the face.
"DON'T SWIM DOWN!" she screamed

Well that did it.
If I didn't take the bait, SHE'D fly off the handle.
I picked up the other half and lost 9 out of every ten matches for the next five hours.
and I don't let her win.

We passed out on the floor I guess sometime around five in the morning. sticks and splinters of wood around us. woke up a few hours later with a muscle ache that wouldn't be soothed. Wiped her eyes picked her up and put her on the couch. it seems like the only way for either of us to cry right now is in our sleep.

aroha ae ngaio

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 18:33:21 GMT

Maybe if we hadn't been separated when we were kids,
maybe if I hadn't let the elders shuffle me to the beaches.
i told her it would be alright. I told her to take care of mom for me.
I thought they knew what was best for us. I thought,
"we're different, but we're all still family right?we're still a tribe. they must be looking out for our best interests"
If I had known a second sooner, I'd have held onto their jugular until they were fucking dry. They'd have had to be beat me to death to get me off them. I would have never let them go.
How could I have been so blind?
WE WERE ONLY FUCKING CHILDREN! FUCKING SHIT!
How could I have not sensed what was happening to her behind my back?!
She never spoke a word of it to me.
She always did have mom's sensibilities.
Carrying on and keeping it all on lock down until it fucking broke them fucking both.
I could smell her distress as I disappeared under the water,
every step was the hardest one I ever took
but I did it because somehow, I thought it must have been the best way
big fucking medicine man said this was my path to follow.
a child of my true namesake "Tangaroa" God of the big fucking ocean.
I should have told him to stick that divine plan right up his ass.
but there it was, I could hear the water crying out to me
like i was really coming home.
and it was too much. hook line and sinker.
I heard her scream as soon as I went under
I could feel hands all over my body, they were restraining her.
She was trying to chase after me,
I swam faster hoping it would dull the pain for both of us.
the sooner i could get away, the sooner we could both accept that the other one was gone.
I still hear that scream when I look at her sometimes.
like this time.

Nowadays, if one of us needs the other, we just walk through the veil and there we are.
hey, powers that be- good timing.
Where the fuck was that when ~~she~~ we got jumped on board that fucking ship?!
I know I'll never know it like she knew it
but half way around the fucking blue, I thought I was going to die.
Can't completely blame her for losing that final marble.
Although I resent it sometimes.

Fuck. Just fuck.
so much fucking wishful thinking.
I'm fucking tired
I'm done writing now.

I love my sister.

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 06:45:07 GMT

A cool breeze rustles the palm fronds and rushes through the open sliding doors of the small brazilian apartment. facing the patio is a man sitting at the meager kitchen table in the dark. Sleeping on his lap, a pale boy restlessly flickers between young boy and kitten. He stares longingly out the window while absentmindedly stroking the young boy's fur/hair. Muttering soft words and Maori lullabies to him everytime he shifts.

"There's no avoiding the storm." he purses his lips. "We have to be in it no matter where we are......" He gently pulls some of the pale blonde hair behind Kai's ear. "But we can't stay here."

He sighs. Slowly a tear wells in his eyes and then another and another. They slide down his cheeks in silence. "Maybe it was unwise to come here............maybe I only made things worse for us. Maybe we were only running farther away to be here.........' He turns to look down upon the child's restless face, "Your mother's comin' along these days. better and better."he sounds tired, he realizes once the words have left his lips that mentioning her was a mistake. The whisper tumbles out before he can realize what he's saying "It's so easy for me to get lost Kai. and I don't know where I am." He bites his lip to try and stifle a quiet cry, turning to face the window. That does it though, and suddenly small eyes are upon him. Sensing the boy's consciousness he wraps his arms around him,holding him firmly to his chest trying hard not to let his red eyes linger too long over his groggy nephew's. Tiburon rises from the table and delivers Kai to his mother's bed lying him next to his sister and pressing noses before turning to leave.

"We can't stay here anymore, and I can't stay with them." his gaze lingers on the closed bedroom door. "The storm is upon us and I am going to have to just fucking deal............even if I have no idea what to do next."

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 06:02:43 GMT

Bullshit.

Yea.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 05:06:44 GMT

I am so fucking hungry.
But then again,
we probably all are.

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 19:30:53 GMT

Another small shitty apartment.
View of the water.
smell of mildew.
dripping faucet.
You have to run it for a minute before the water starts to run clear.
Then we boil it.
Warm breeze. Rustling branches and long fronds.
drapes and doors are open to the smallest balcony.
The white cotton blows in the breeze extending it's lengths like the hands of ghosts.
Ancestors playing tricks. We're nobody's knots on anyone's walking sticks.
Shame comes to those who hang themselves.
The Ancestors must be bored.

Burning incense now.
a sleeping nephew is on my lap
compact and petite.
He'll probably always be light.
He's so pale.
comparatively
With pale hair
comparatively.

Fortunate
fortune it.

I tattoo and make some money here and there
Called my sister in goneagaingone, said I needed something new.

So we're going to start a business.
To not show ungratefulness for good ideas
and because I need to eat and my nephew needs shoes.

She worked brilliantly for a week before she crashed and locked herself in the bedroom.
I slip food and notes under the door to her.
I've gotten used to hearing her scream.
I don't think Kai has yet though.

I'm keeping him stable on my legs with one hand and using the other write here in this notebook.
Next to the designs and drawings for tattoos and clothes.

I hope to have it real and manifest by December. That is my goal.

I hope to be writing here more now. I hope to be writing more period.

I can see a dark storm coming in off of the ocean, but I can't remember the last time I had this much hope.

How did I go this long convinced I was alone when I haven't been?

Mon, 21 May 2007 04:45:44 GMT

Fucking Hell.

HIJACKIN'

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 22:51:42 GMT

My brother, the reclusive bottom feeder has a fucking blog!
Tiburon, you are such a fag.

....and I know you're standing right behind me.
Ow.

God I am so fucking bored.

pero me gusta la pictura del muerto. Yo usarlo.
y yo como tus huesos.

-meegs

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 07:21:30 GMT

I am here to say that I'm here.