it feels like it's been a long time.
it was at least a long day at work.
time passes over me like a heavy current no matter what the direction is
spent a long time on a sleeve today for a new guy who said he needed to Honor the Rainbow Serpent. Needless to say, Honoring that took alot out of me too. 
business has been ok, by ok I mean enough money to feed, clothe, and shelter my sorry Maori ass. by no means slow, always rewarding, and just enough and satisfying for it. I have boxes of well thought out plans in the back room. if you want some, they come in small medium and large. I just, I've got it all here but what can I say that would convey the obstacle? I want to spend more time on taking care of me right now. 

I finished the job for the day, told the pakeha to come back in dos dias for more work. went to the back room, looked at the boxes and realized I couldn't remember what my mother looked like anymore.  I just don't know. I can't even remember her scent. I look at the boxes and I imagine one. Pretending like I remember. Yea, maybe that's close enough.

I guess I just want some time to deal. I haven't seen Aputa in a while. I don't really want to honestly. I can't do it right now. I'm at the end of my rope for a while for all my endless love. Kai is in the compound, he's getting bigger and Violet's teaching him to hold a staff. We're all pretty convinced these days that he's a mute. That's ok. Even without us there, Aputa still probably does enough talking for the two of us.

Lately I've been sleeping in the water. I was as careful as i could be about it, but it was ineveitable, somebody finally saw me slip into the water one night. word is out that an "in betweener" walks among them. ooh da lally. I think they all know well enough to mind their own business. If only because I've seen around here that ratting gets ratter's a fate worse than those they ratted on, i.e. I drain their jugular.  Besides, no fucking brightwater wants to do business with a lander anyway. Rokea pride. Rokea politics.

Still I can't remember my mother. I wonder, if maybe finally she's returned to the greater. Back into the earth,sky, water. Maybe that's why I can't even recall her memory. Or maybe it's just wishful dreaming. If dreaming was coming in the form of abscence. which it is. Why can't I remember? why do i want to so badly? I can't even confidently say that she'd still love us if she were alive, If she loved us at all after a while. painful burdens, more painful reminders. maybe hurt negated the love to give way to tolerance. I couldn't tell you, I wouldn't know. maybe then i shouldn't feel so bad about not remembering. Perhaps that would be better for honoring her memory.  

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